Recently, I was watching Definitely, Maybe. The opening line to
the movie is something I’ve pondered for nearly half of my life: “I don’t think
anyone ever imagines on their wedding day they’ll be part of the 46% that doesn’t
live happily ever after.”
I grew up in a happy
family where my parents’ wonderful marriage was at the center of our household.
They were 19 when they started dating and they got married when they were 21.
They set a wonderful example for my own marriage: how to talk to each other,
how to disagree, how to put the other person first, and how to make a marriage your
top priority. In my 26 years, they’ve never yelled at each other. They
certainly aren’t the same person, and they don’t agree on everything, but they
have so much love and respect for each other that yelling is never an option
that crosses their minds.
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| My Parents |
Before my husband and I got married 2 years ago, I spent a lot of time thinking about what made a marriage work. What were the secrets to making it last? What would keep us out of the “46%” mentioned in Definitely, Maybe? I didn’t want to go into what made people call it quits, but rather, what really makes the best foundation for a marriage?
A few months before I met
my husband, I did a research project for a final in one of my college courses.
I interviewed 10 happily married couples on what makes a successful marriage. I
took couples I knew were happy ranging from newlyweds to a couple who had just
celebrated their 56th wedding anniversary (and everyone in between),
and I asked 8 simple interview questions.
I remember being
particularly surprised in what the number 1 answer to, “What makes a good
marriage?” The class I presented it to was equally surprised. While I thought
the answer would be love (as did my class), the top answer was communication. Love
was a close second.
As I’ve thought about
that project more and more over the years since then, I’ve realized that it’s
not really just love that makes marriage successful – but unconditional love.
As I got closer to my wedding day, I realized that’s really the vows that
you’re making “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do
us part.” Those are some of the examples of what you might go through, but
ultimately, you’re agreeing to commit to and love your spouse no matter what.
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| Our Wedding Day: January 14, 2012 |
It means giving of yourself, striving to be your best, and loving someone else like you’ve never loved anyone before.
Sometimes, you fall short,
and sometimes you do a really bad face-plant and need help getting back up. But
if you’re in a good marriage, you have someone who is right there to help you
pick yourself up, dust the dirt off your knees, and try again. I love knowing
my husband is there when I have the best day ever, when we share those days on
a romantic getaway, or just have a really good talk about life and where it’s
leading us, and when I’ve just had a spectacular day at work.
But, he’s also loves me
through the days when I’m not my best: when I get mad, or when I say something
I shouldn’t have, or when I have a bad day, when I don’t feel well, or when I
just don’t feel good about something. And of course, the same goes for him. I
always feel like he has far fewer of these days than I do, but regardless, at
the end of the day, we love each other.
Underneath all of it is
unconditional love. It’s a love where you don’t keep score, and you care so
much more about the other person than you do about yourself.
When I was little, one of
my favorite musicals was The Music Man.
In one of my favorite songs (appropriately titled, “My White Knight”), there is
a line that says, “…I would like him to be more interested in me than he is in
himself. And more interested in us than in me.” My dad even quoted that line in
his toast at our wedding, saying that we had each found someone we embody that
with. My husband and I frequently talk about our priorities and how we make
decisions and the list always looks like this:
- God
- My Marriage
- My Spouse
- Myself
We expect the best out of
each other. I know when I screw up and don’t realize it, I can count on my
husband to say something, or that if I’ve done something that’s upset him,
he’ll talk to me about it and want to fix it (and help me fix it if he can).
The same goes for him. When I see something he needs to change, there’s no
sense of fear talking to him about it. I know he’ll listen to me and want to
change it ASAP.
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| Astros Game - October 2013 |
So, what does all of this have to do with my original pondering of the opening lines of Definitely, Maybe? The whole purpose of my blog is to help other people (hopefully instead of just talking about myself). While I realize that what I have found in my meager two years of marriage doesn’t solve every marital problem there is, I constantly find myself wishing the information were more accessible for people to just read. Plus, reading it from the comfort of a computer screen is sometimes preferable to the well-meaning advice of a relative, friend, or (in some cases) total stranger.
And while this was a more
serious post, I hope it was at least slightly entertaining. Happy reading!
This is Lauren – over and
out.
