The Day You Love Each Other Least

As this beautiful year has been wrapping up and I look back on all I have to be grateful for, I was thinking about a wonderful blessing my mother-in-law bestowed upon me before I got married. It was something someone had blessed her with before she got married, and it’s something I think of often.

The blessing is this: May your wedding day be the day you love each other the least.

When I first heard it, I was a little surprised. It sounded odd. Are we not supposed to love each other that much on our wedding day? Au contraire: You should love each other more than you ever thought was possible to love another person. However, your wedding day is not the top of the curve and then your love goes downhill. Your wedding is the starting point to your new life, not the finish line. That love should grow exponentially every day.

My mother-in-law’s blessing has rung loud and true. Jake and I are coming up on our 3-year wedding anniversary next month. Although I loved him more than I thought possible on our wedding day, it’s nothing compared to the love I feel for him now. It’s a different kind of love. It’s a love that makes you grow. You get to grow together now. You have someone to share yourself with who shares himself with you. It’s a love that pulls you through thick and thin in the best and worst of times. It’s a love that both challenges you and makes life easier. It’s a love that makes life far more beautiful than you thought or knew was possible.

When I was younger, my mother told me that marriage would either be the best thing or the worst thing I would ever do. For me, it has been the best thing. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I had married the wrong person. If I had (like if I had married any number of the boys I’d had crushes on growing up), it would be the worst decision I’d ever made.

Tonight I was thinking about the part of marriage that challenges you: the part that makes you a better person. It makes you give of yourself completely and totally unselfishly. Sometimes, that even means saying something that’s hard. It can mean saying something your spouse doesn’t necessarily want to but needs to hear. It’s the tough love you don’t necessarily like to give, but if you truly love the person who needs it, there’s no other choice but to meet the need.

These moments don’t always happen often, but you say it because you love the other person. You want the best for him and so you say it with love and because you know the good he’s capable of and needs to live up to in order to be his true self.

Actually, although they can be hard, my husband and I love these moments. Because it’s said with love and not dripping with sarcasm, guilt, or an eventual IOU (or “you owe me”), it’s a safe place to talk about things that are more challenging. The “This is bothering me” or the “I know your best, but this wasn’t it” conversations. Why? Because sometimes you have to love each other enough to hurt the other person’s feelings. It’s certainly not that you need to hurt their feelings. Having your feelings hurt is a choice you make. I talked a many months ago about the importance of humility. That’s why.

I also don’t mean to hurt your spouse’s feelings on purpose. That’s just mean if that’s your motive. Your motive is (or should be) always to strengthen and help the other person be his best self.

I’m so grateful for this part of marriage. It’s what makes me continue to grow and lets me know how much my husband loves me (more than I could possibly express in words), and how much I love him.

With that said, the romance aspect that you dream of and take a huge part in on your wedding day should also always be intact. It’s what makes this relationship different from any you’ve ever had. It’s why monogamy is so important and why we only share marriage with one person.

I’m so grateful for the romance side of marriage, too. Plus, the smallest things can become huge romantic gestures. Like taking care of each other when you don’t feel well, or vacuuming the house just because, making meals for each other or planning one together.

And then there’s the really big ones: weekends away, travel, carefully planned anniversaries, roses on Valentine’s day, real diamond earrings on big anniversaries, etc.

I think often people are only thinking of the last category with love and marriage instead of all of it. Marriage is more about being with and loving your best friend each and every day and growing in that love together. If you’re doing it right, it does grow every day.

To my mother-in-law, you were most certainly right. AND…to everyone who just recently got or is just about to get married, I wish you the same blessing. May your wedding day be the day you love each other the least.

Believe me, when you get to the day and realize how much love is packed and filled into that one day, to have it grow exponentially everyday after is a pretty remarkable and extremely underrated aspect.

Happy weddings, love birds. Oh, and happy last few days of 2014. See you in the new year!

This is Lauren...over and out.

God Only Knows...

…what I’d be without you.

Do you have a Beach Boys song stuck in your head now? Thanks to my wonderful father, I do!

That particular song holds a particularly special place in my heart since it was the father/daughter dance at my wedding. I spent months looking for the perfect song. I kept picking really cliché ones that everyone picks and that really didn’t capture the essence of my relationship with my dad. My brilliant mother finally recommended I pick something we both actually listen to, and so we ended up with “God Only Knows” by The Beach Boys.

Dad brought me up on The Beach Boys, Gary Lewis & The Playboys, Herman’s Hermits, Simon & Garfunkel, The Lovin’ Spoonful, Tommy Roe, The Foundations, countless one hit wonders, and well…I missing quite a few, but if you have similar music taste, you get the point. Those are the songs that just sound like childhood to me. Mom probably would like to take credit for some of it, but Dad was always the radio controller, music packer when we’d go on road trips, and King of the Mix Tape.

Dad knows everything. You would think after 26 years, I would outgrow the innocent, child-like thinking that my dad is a king and knows everything, but he really does know everything. If you need to know how to change a tire, who played 2^nd base for the Red Sox in 1968, any number of movie quotes, how to pick a good spouse, how to get a room of faculty members to stop talking, or even what you’re thinking right now, my dad knows. And no, your eyes are not deceiving you. He knows what you’re thinking. Really. He reads minds.

Actually, that last one can be incredibly inconvenient…and it can be incredibly annoying. I can’t tell you the number of times I heard him say, “Don’t even think about it,” to me or my brother growing up – even when we weren’t doing anything wrong. He just knew when we were thinking about it could just sense what was going to happen. He always said it when I hadn’t said anything. He just knew exactly when I was about to do something really stupid.

With that said, Dad always knows when to speak up and when to let someone make his own mistake. And as much as he loved me and my brother, he was great at letting us feel a little pain from making our mistakes, but only when it was necessary.

When I was in college, there was a guy I was dating that was completely wrong for me. We broke up and got back together more times than I would like to admit. I could usually talk my mom into thinking he had changed by what I chose to tell her. Dad would sit and listen to me, a knowing look in his eyes, sigh, and just say, “Okay. We’ll see.” In the back of my head, I knew exactly what he was trying to tell me. I knew I shouldn’t have been dating him. Dad would stay quiet, let me make my mistake, and when it would fall apart, he was always there to help pick me back up without saying, “I told you so.”

I can tell you that when I met my husband, he was fully on board from the first time I told him about him. I came home from a two-week trip to Oregon babbling about an amazing guy I’d started dating. I still remember the look on his face as he sat and listened to me talk about him for the first time in person. While I’d been away, Jake, who at the time was my boyfriend and I had sent my parents and brother a video saying that we’d gotten together and were in love. Dad always says the way Jake waved at the end of the video is what gave it away that he was the one. I have no idea why it was that particular gesture, but Dad was on board.

Dad provided some of my most favorite and treasured childhood memories. He’s the one who taught me about baseball and golf and how to fish. He was awesome at playing Mr. Mom when my mom went out of town – even when I wasn’t so pleasant. I would always cry when my mom left, but my dad was always un-phased. He would take me and my brother on little picnics or to do something fun like go to the zoo or on a walk or we’d watch a fun movie. He would also do my hair before school when mom was out of town. Poor Dad. He would spend an hour getting my tangle of curls into ponytail to have it fall apart in 3 seconds. I helped out a lot. Usually I’d have some lovely comment like, “That’s not how Mommy does it…” I’m sure by that time he probably wanted to punch me for saying that, but instead he would say something funny that would make me laugh and probably pee in my pants.

I’ve always loved my relationship with my dad. When I was a tiny tot, I used to follow him around the house early in the morning. He would get up and feed the dog and get breakfast and I would follow close behind. I’d always giggle as he would purposely do funny maneuvers that I’d have to copy. I’m sure to nonexistent on-lookers, it looked peculiar, but it was just one of the many things that makes him so wonderful.

His sense of humor is on the drier sarcastic side. The kind that sends you into heaps of laughter that also might send you to the bathroom if you aren’t careful. Recently, he was sitting up at the breakfast table reading his morning paper and wearing boxers that look incredibly similar to a pair of seersucker shorts he has. My mom saw them at a quick glance and commented that she loves my dad’s summer shorts. Without skipping a beat or looking up from the paper, my dad said, “Well, I like to call them my underwear, but sure.”

Dad has always 100% supportive of my sweet mother. When she stayed at home, when she went on trips, when she decided to become a real estate agent when I was in high school, you name it. He would talk to me about how important it is to talk to your spouse with respect. I know I briefly touched on my post on Mother’s Day that my parents’ marriage was top priority for my mom. The same goes for my dad. Dad set a pretty high standard for any man I was ever going to think about marrying. I was lucky enough to find a man that surpassed any dream I’d ever had. But back to Dad, in everything he does and says, it’s so clear he loves my mom more than anyone else. Yes, of course he loves me and my brother, but he’s only in love with one person. And that one person always comes first. It’s done humbly and quietly.

Although I never would have admitted this in my teenage years, Dad was always an expert in the dating department. I can still hear him telling me over and over, “Pay attention to what he does, not what he says.” Once upon a time, I was an expert at falling for men that never followed through on their word. There was one in particular (already mentioned early), who would sweet talk his way back into my life and then wouldn’t call me for a week. I tried to ignore it. Actually, I was really good at ignoring it. We dated on and off for almost two years before I told him to stop calling me. Every time he didn’t follow through, I could hear my dad’s voice telling me those words. At this point, I’d get really annoyed and shove it to the back of my head. In the end, though, Dad’s words are what finally made me call it quits.

Although my parents only have two biological children, I can tell you that my dad has hundreds upon hundreds of children. He graduated college in 1975 and immediately became an English teacher. Eventually he added in the title of “coach,” and started coaching the sports he loved playing when he was in school. Then, in 1986, he became English teacher and Middle School Principal. Finally, in 1996, he became a headmaster where he’s been ever since. I can tell you it’s a tough job and one he is well cut out for. He still has former students that are coming to him for help on things that have nothing to do with academics. Although I never know names or situations, I do know from my own experience that these students are going to the right person for those situations.

Now that I’m older, it’s even more evident to me how important dads are to daughters. I’m incredibly grateful I have such a good one. He brought me up well, has always been there for me, and has always been a wonderful rock in the middle of a storm. Dad taught me a lot about life. Not only that, he has taught me what a dad is supposed to be like. He taught me what a husband was supposed to be like. This wasn’t done by sitting me down and explaining it, but by simply living it every day. He’s the true example of his own quote, “Pay attention to what he does, not what he says.” Although, what he says is always loving, compassionate, and very often incredibly humorous. He’s the best dad a girl could ask for, and I’m very grateful he’s mine.  

And without any hesitancy, I can most definitely say, "God only knows what I’d be without you."

Happy Father’s Day.

The Most Beautiful Woman In The World

If you’ve ever enjoyed anything I’ve ever written on any of the blogs I’ve ever had, there’s a woman you should thank for that, and it’s not me. My mother has always been one of the biggest and best influences in my life. She is one of the most beautiful people I know. I have no idea where I would be without her growing up.

Knowing my sweet, selfless momma, she is reading this and saying (probably out loud), “What about Dad?! He did an awful lot!” There is no question this is true. My dad is the best. He has countless children besides my brother and me since he’s been in education for 40 years. If you’re one of his students (current or former), there’s no doubt you know exactly what I’m talking about.

However, before I get too into talking about how great my dad is, if you notice the date of this post, Father’s Day is next month.

I remember when I was a little one, I wanted to be just like my mom – in a lot of ways, I still do. When I was still a toddler, it even affected the way I played with my dolls – showering them with love as I would give them pretend baths, put them in my doll-size stroller and “run to the store,” rock them to sleep, or walk around the house with dolly on my hip. All were large influences of the wonderful mom I have grown up with.

I remember watching her get ready for dates with my dad – watching her pick out pretty outfits, put on makeup, accessorize, and end with a spritz of perfume that pulled everything together. I always thought she had it all pulled together. 

Mom - no arguing. You’re still the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen – inside and out.

As I got older, when a lot of my peers were convinced their moms were out to ruin their lives and they would slowly push them away, I was sitting up at the kitchen table each night having long talks with my mom about school, boys, relationships, babysitting (which at the time was my job), and what it all eventually led to that I could look forward to in my future: marriage and children. It wasn’t something that was shoved down my throat. It was just something I was constantly thinking about and something my mom was happy to indulge me in.

I admired the way she loved her children so much, but made it clear that her marriage came first. The phrase, “Wait until your father gets home,” didn’t fly in my house. Instead, it was, “Pull it together before your father gets home.” This wasn’t a way of making me swallow something that was bothering me, but she created a peaceful, stress-free haven for my dad to come home to every night. I could always talk to both of them about anything, but attacking my dad with problems (or being in a bad mood) when he got home from work was a big no-no.

When I got into my middle school years, people would confuse me with my mom on the phone. I always secretly loved it. I have my dad’s blue eyes and blonde hair (which I love), but whenever someone tells me I look like my mom, I always take it as a huge compliment. She really is the greatest.

Mom has always been good at being happy. Regardless of who or what the circumstance is around her, she’s always so bubbly and wonderful. In fact, growing up, I never realized how this affected the overall tone of the house until I made her mad and it made me feel so bad, it felt like the world was going to end. She hates it when I talk about that, but let me say that the number of times that happened can probably be counted on one hand.

In college, coming home and talking to her about things that were bothering me always gave me a boost. She would remind me to be grateful and how important it was for me to keep being myself. I always remember returning to school a lot better than when I had gone home. When I returned, I always felt fantastic being myself. I was always happier, my clothes fit better, I felt more ready to take on new challenges, and I just felt more like I was in my right place. As a result, my friendships would get stronger, my grades would get better, and life just felt more beautiful.

Both of my parents provided me with a strong home foundation that made it so that I could be confident in new adventures. I had absolutely no desire to stay in my home state for college. This was not to get away from them, but I was just ready to spread my wings and really try something new. I always knew if I fell flat on my face, I had a home base to talk to or come back to if it were really bad.

Mom taught me to rely on God for everything. I was a baby when I started going to church and I was only three when I started going to Sunday School. When things would go wrong, Mom (really Mom and Dad) would help me fix them, but I was always encouraged to go to God with it first. Mom would talk to me about my true identity as God’s child and how I was never out of His care. And when things didn’t work out the way I wanted, she would always tell me not to worry, everything was okay because God doesn’t make us downgrade. It just means there is something better. She was always right.

Often, when I talk to friends about conversations I’ve had with my mom, we always end up agreeing that moms really are the greatest people in the whole world. Of course to me, mine is the best, but I would never dare argue with anyone else saying his or her mom is the best, because…well, everyone should be able to feel that way.

Now that I’m married and starting my own life, I’m so grateful to have grown up with such a wonderful role model. She’s not only been a role model, but a best friend through all these years. I still love talking to her about anything and everything and how that’s morphed into more of a best friend than a mother/child relationship. I love you, Momma!

To every mother, you are so essential to the world. May everyone celebrate every mother (or mom-figure) in your life this weekend.  Happy Mothers Day!

Humility

One of the best, hardest, and most rewarding traits I’ve learned from my marriage is humility. This is definitely a tough one to learn--or it has been for me. I’ve noticed society is quick to place blame when something goes wrong. It’s never fun to be in the wrong, and it’s easier to find someone else to blame. If we’re willing to shoulder some responsibility, we like to blame it on the circumstances (“I was tired,” “I was hungry,” “I had just had an argument,” “I had a rough day at work,” “I was in a rush,” etc.).

My husband is an absolute saint in the humility category. He is always working to improve himself, and I have felt so honored to watch him become a bigger man in the short 4 years I’ve known him. He is so quick to correct himself. When he makes a mistake, says something he didn’t mean, or even just says something in a way he didn’t mean, it’s often only moments later that he’ll apologize. I have a lot of catching up to do.

Let me back up a tad. A large portion of my interest in this topic comes from how I was brought up…and how my parents were brought up. My dad has joked, “A teacher could’ve pulled a gun on me in school and my parents would want to know what I did to piss her off.” The bottom line is pointing the finger back at yourself. What could I have done differently? What can I do to change the situation? Those are the questions my parents were always making me ask myself. I always knew they were there for guidance and that if I needed help problem-solving, they were there to give me that boost. Instead of solving the problem for me, they wanted me to find the solution because I could. That is one of the most empowering things they ever could have given me, and something I am eternally grateful to them for.

As a society, I think too often we consider a question such as, “how can I improve?” to be a challenge to our sense of self-worth. That’s completely missing the point. It’s only self-deprecating if you’ve taken in a negative character trait as a feature you can’t change. It would be like punishing a shoe for not being a sock. My parents expected the best out of me--they knew what I was capable of and they loved me enough to help me get there.

The same goes for my relationship with my husband. We love and respect each other so much that anything short of our best is just unacceptable. It’s not a challenge to one another, it’s more of “I know you’re better than that. I know the real you--and you’re incredible!” In the process, we expect more of ourselves. Spending time beating yourself up has nothing to do with it. It’s picking yourself up, correcting what needs correcting, and moving on as a more confident person, a better person--for you and for the world around you.

My desire to improve stems most from my relationship with God. Would God give me more than I can handle? Would He want His children to fight and argue and blame each other for every little thing?

In I John we read, “God is Love.” That pretty much sums it up. There was a book I read in high school that reminded me that Love isn’t something God has a large quantity of. God IS Love. So, would Love want people to speak unkindly? To hurt? To blame?

I’ll let you answer that one, because I know you can.

It wasn’t until this week that I realized how much my marriage has made me grow in the humility department. I was running late for work and was looking for the top of the blender to make a quick smoothie before running out the door. My husband was in the kitchen, and in a hasty tone, I asked him if he’d seen it. It turned out it was still in the dishwasher, which he was still in the process of unloading at the time (as I said, he’s a saint). I grabbed the top out of the dishwasher and went on with my morning. He was quiet for some of the car ride to work and finally said, “Sometimes it hurts my feelings when you take your frustration out on me.” He then gave the example of my looking for the top of the blender a few minutes earlier.

At first I was slightly confused. My first instinct was to snap back that I didn’t mean it that way, that I was in a rush, and he shouldn’t be so sensitive.

Ouch.

I took a moment, held my tongue, and thought about my few panicked moments looking for the blender part. I had been totally unaware of the tone of my voice and my body language. Instead of throwing the problem back at him, I thought about what I could have done differently.

Could I have said it nicely?

Yes.

Is it right for me to snap at my husband for something that’s really my fault?

No.

Could I have gotten up when my alarm went off instead of hitting the snooze button that caused the morning rush in the first place?

Yes.

Bottom line: was there anything different I could have done to prevent the problem?

Absolutely.

I apologized for my tone and for snapping at him in my rush, and I made a mental note to work on my tone when I’m frustrated…and to get up earlier.

As it turned out, since I didn’t mean to act irritated, he also wanted to work on not letting something so small hurt his feelings.

Taking those extra steps to express humility wasn’t necessarily easy, but I also know my husband is constantly doing the same thing for me. It’s one of the reasons our marriage is such a safe home for both of us. How we talk to each other and how we come off to the other person is important. I always want my husband to feel my love and support, and I don’t want to take that away from him for even a single moment.

It got me thinking about society as a whole. What if everyone were willing to express humility in every challenging circumstance? Wouldn’t it make it easier to correct yourself? Wouldn’t you expect the best of yourself and others instead of expecting the worst? I don’t think you want, “I don’t have time to be nice,” to start cropping up in your daily routine.  

These changes aren’t necessarily easy and don’t always happen overnight. It takes moment-by-moment effort and a desire to improve yourself. Even small goals make a difference. Smiling more or spending an extra second before responding to an annoyance when you’re not feeling particularly loving can be life changing in the long run. No one said humility was easy. I know I could get into all sorts of cliché items right now, but in all sincerity – it does change the world. It changes both your world and those you come into contact with every day. The “old” you begins to fall away and a “new,” nicer, truer version of you comes to light.

Who wouldn’t want that?

The Unconditional Love of Marriage

Recently, I was watching Definitely, Maybe. The opening line to the movie is something I’ve pondered for nearly half of my life: “I don’t think anyone ever imagines on their wedding day they’ll be part of the 46% that doesn’t live happily ever after.”

I grew up in a happy family where my parents’ wonderful marriage was at the center of our household. They were 19 when they started dating and they got married when they were 21. They set a wonderful example for my own marriage: how to talk to each other, how to disagree, how to put the other person first, and how to make a marriage your top priority. In my 26 years, they’ve never yelled at each other. They certainly aren’t the same person, and they don’t agree on everything, but they have so much love and respect for each other that yelling is never an option that crosses their minds.

My Parents

Before my husband and I got married 2 years ago, I spent a lot of time thinking about what made a marriage work. What were the secrets to making it last? What would keep us out of the “46%” mentioned in Definitely, Maybe? I didn’t want to go into what made people call it quits, but rather, what really makes the best foundation for a marriage?

A few months before I met my husband, I did a research project for a final in one of my college courses. I interviewed 10 happily married couples on what makes a successful marriage. I took couples I knew were happy ranging from newlyweds to a couple who had just celebrated their 56^th wedding anniversary (and everyone in between), and I asked 8 simple interview questions.

I remember being particularly surprised in what the number 1 answer to, “What makes a good marriage?” The class I presented it to was equally surprised. While I thought the answer would be love (as did my class), the top answer was communication. Love was a close second.

As I’ve thought about that project more and more over the years since then, I’ve realized that it’s not really just love that makes marriage successful – but unconditional love. As I got closer to my wedding day, I realized that’s really the vows that you’re making “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part.” Those are some of the examples of what you might go through, but ultimately, you’re agreeing to commit to and love your spouse no matter what.

Our Wedding Day: January 14, 2012

It means giving of yourself, striving to be your best, and loving someone else like you’ve never loved anyone before.

Sometimes, you fall short, and sometimes you do a really bad face-plant and need help getting back up. But if you’re in a good marriage, you have someone who is right there to help you pick yourself up, dust the dirt off your knees, and try again. I love knowing my husband is there when I have the best day ever, when we share those days on a romantic getaway, or just have a really good talk about life and where it’s leading us, and when I’ve just had a spectacular day at work.

But, he’s also loves me through the days when I’m not my best: when I get mad, or when I say something I shouldn’t have, or when I have a bad day, when I don’t feel well, or when I just don’t feel good about something. And of course, the same goes for him. I always feel like he has far fewer of these days than I do, but regardless, at the end of the day, we love each other.

Underneath all of it is unconditional love. It’s a love where you don’t keep score, and you care so much more about the other person than you do about yourself.

When I was little, one of my favorite musicals was The Music Man. In one of my favorite songs (appropriately titled, “My White Knight”), there is a line that says, “…I would like him to be more interested in me than he is in himself. And more interested in us than in me.” My dad even quoted that line in his toast at our wedding, saying that we had each found someone we embody that with. My husband and I frequently talk about our priorities and how we make decisions and the list always looks like this:

1.  God
2. My Marriage
3. My Spouse
4. Myself

We expect the best out of each other. I know when I screw up and don’t realize it, I can count on my husband to say something, or that if I’ve done something that’s upset him, he’ll talk to me about it and want to fix it (and help me fix it if he can). The same goes for him. When I see something he needs to change, there’s no sense of fear talking to him about it. I know he’ll listen to me and want to change it ASAP.

Astros Game - October 2013

So, what does all of this have to do with my original pondering of the opening lines of Definitely, Maybe? The whole purpose of my blog is to help other people (hopefully instead of just talking about myself). While I realize that what I have found in my meager two years of marriage doesn’t solve every marital problem there is, I constantly find myself wishing the information were more accessible for people to just read. Plus, reading it from the comfort of a computer screen is sometimes preferable to the well-meaning advice of a relative, friend, or (in some cases) total stranger.

And while this was a more serious post, I hope it was at least slightly entertaining. Happy reading!

This is Lauren – over and out.